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Answer for question 4468.

If you could take a two-week vacation right now without having to worry about the details of making it work (money, vacation time, etc all taken care of), where would you go? Who would you bring with you, if anyone, and who would you want to make sure you went without?
I'm actually taking a vacation in September, in beautiful Skiathos, Greece, but am facing a dilemma as to who to go with! I've met a guy friend online who's eager for me to meet him there, and now another one too! The question is, do I want to potentially spoil my vacation time with someone I might not be so enamoured with when I meet him in person? Decisions, decisions...

Self-control

self-control is the only path to fulfillment. By manipulating others or situations, you are giving personal power to something or someone outside of yourself.

Winter Solstice


It was a difficult week emotionally.  I was feeling hopeful again on Monday, thinking I had a good chance of seeing Angelo this week.  I had baked shortbread on Sunday and was starting to get into the Christmas spirit since Saturday when I had gone to the Glebe on my own to do a little shopping and have lunch. 

I woke up really groggy on Tuesday morning, having slept straight until 7:20 when Mark woke me up from a dream.  I remained so groggy all day that I accomplished virtually nothing at work.  It didn’t help that Nicole was sick.   I didn’t want to be there at all, and I didn’t end up seeing Angelo anywhere. I thought I heard some heavy footsteps walk by my office and imagined it was him boldly walking by, trying to find the courage to stop by my office, but it probably was just my imagination and wishful thinking.   I ended up feeling frustrated and being upset when I finally got home.  I had seen Enzo in the afternoon, and he had held the door open for me and we chatted briefly.

On Wednesday morning I woke up early but rested and hungry.  I decided to go to BH and to take the day off.  I needed some time to myself to do some errands and not have to sit at my desk, waiting for someone to make me feel wanted and needed.  Deep down, I had hoped that Angelo would come by my office, and when he didn’t again, I felt rejected.  I know I shouldn’t have any expectations, and I tried to convince myself on Monday that I didn’t, but it was obvious to me that I did.

I drove Mark in to work so he wouldn’t miss his Christmas potluck and meetings.  I did some errands with the car and then made Christmas granola.  Mark will enjoy that and I enjoyed making it.

I was glad that I had taken the day for myself, though felt a little guilty missing a meeting.  Regardless, I looked forward to going back in Thursday.  I had woken up feeling unusually tired on Thursday.  My legs were so tired I didn’t understand it. 

Nicole came in late and stopped by my desk.  It was Chianello’s last day of work and we chatted a bit.  I thought I saw Angelo walk by down the aisle, and then returning.  I had been on the phone with my dad, but felt him glance towards me.  He had probably gone to see Chianello.  I stopped by her office a little later, and started chatting with her.  We were laughing and she seemed to be enjoying my visit, when I heard her say ‘Hi Angelo.  Dropping by to say goodbye?’

I turned to see Angelo, standing there a little blank and surprised looking, not knowing what to say.  I looked at him feeling like I really didn’t want to talk to him, and he said “Hi Voula, how are you?”  before he even said anything to Chianello.  I just replied “good” and found myself walking away.  I heard Chianello say “see you later, Voula” and I’m not sure I replied.  A little later I saw him walk by talking to someone else while I was in Nicole’s office.

I saw him again as I was leaving for my noon-hour walk.  Apparently, he was going for a walk too.  I didn’t know what to do, continue walking and bump into him, or make a beeline for the nearest door.  I chose the latter.  I guess I’m just as scared as he is.  But it’s a little more, too.  I feel a bit rejected by him.  He never acknowledged my note and hasn’t tried to visit me.  I shouldn’t say he hasn’t tried because I don’t really know.  I only know that he hasn’t succeeded.  I must rid myself of these feelings of hurt.  I know he’s shy and shouldn’t take it personally.  If anything, I genuinely believe he likes me but is so shy about talking to me.  I shouldn’t hold it against him that he hasn’t had the luck or courage to talk to me. 

I think I was more afraid about what to say to him.  Thinking about it later, I realized that we would probably end up talking about Christmas and our plans.  I would have to tell him about Mark and my situation.  I had thought about it on the weekend and concluded I would tell him I was in the middle of a breakup when Mark broke his hip, so I’m still with him, taking care of him.  I would also tell him that Christmas was not such a big deal for me since I don’t have any kids.  Might as well get these things out in the open,  I hoped he would tell me how many kids he has and whatever else he felt like sharing with me.

I know it would be a bit of a difficult conversation, but it could help us bond or something.  I should have kept walking towards him, and seen if he wanted to talk.  Maybe we would’ve gone for a walk outside together.  Talking to someone while walking is easier sometimes.  But maybe he would’ve chickened out and made a beeline for the door, then I would’ve felt rejected.  I hope he doesn’t feel too rejected by my actions.  Maybe he thinks I didn’t see him.  Or maybe he didn’t see me, but I think he did because he had a look on his face like the first time I saw him after leaving the note.  He looked distressed, and unsure what to do.

I should’ve made it easier for him, I guess.  Maybe waved at him and pretended to be really happy to see him.   But I’m not always that good at pretending.  And that’s a good thing.  Being yourself is way more rewarding.

I don’t know what might have been going on in his head, but I think he mirrors my feelings.  That’s a sign that there’s a connection between us, I think.  I felt sad while out on my walk, hoping I would bump into him.  I needed to connect with him in a more positive way.

I returned in time to go to a meeting at 1pm.  While sitting there, I saw him return from his walk, and saw him look into the room.  I’m sure he saw me though I didn’t make eye contact with him.  I know it sounds like I was giving him the cold shoulder, and I guess I was!  But I was just being true to my feelings.  I don’t want to play games with him, I just genuinely need some sign from him that he really cares. 

He walked by a little later and looked in again.  I felt his gaze, though I’m not sure if he was looking at me.  Then again as he went back to his office a few minutes later, he looked in really intensely.  I felt he was looking at me, but I was too shy to look up at him.  Later I wished I had.

Sometime after the meeting, I bumped into Chianello and she told me she had "gotten flack" about pronouncing my name wrong earlier.  I told her I hadn't noticed, and asked who, wanting her to tell me more.  She said it was from Angelo, and that he had gone on about everything Greece!  I was on cloud nine, thinking he cares about me and all things Greek!

Just before 3:30, I was sitting at my desk feeling dejected over the thought that I probably wouldn’t see him again that day and not until after New Year's, since it was my last day at work.  Just then, as if he read my mind, I saw him walk by and hesitate outside my office or France’s office.  Then he walked by and returned, hesitating outside my office.  I felt his gaze as I was standing there facing the other way.  I had seen him from the corner of my eye.  I should’ve looked back and invited him to talk, I guess.  But I thought he had wanted to talk to France.  I’m really not making it easy for him!  I felt I did by leaving him the note, but that kind of scared him off more, I think. 

I don’t know if he had really wanted to see me, but lost his courage.  I can definitely understand that, as I’ve felt the same when I’ve gone to his office.

I have to believe that we will connect when the time is right and we’re both feeling more confident.  I do believe that he wants to connect with me, and that he gets distressed when we have a bad connection.

Blue Friday

I was looking forward to this week and maybe talking to Angelo again, but alas, I didn’t even see him once all week.  Tuesday was the divisional Christmas party at Prime 360, but I didn’t go.  I know he was there because I saw the pictures Nicole posted the following morning.  Unfortunately, there were no good pictures of his beautiful face.   I did notice he was sitting next to the director. 

I actually tried to avoid walking around on Tuesday, because I didn’t want him to see that I was in but didn’t go to the party.  I wasn’t the only one though.  A few people in our section called in sick, too.

I was hopeful I would see him on Wednesday.  I was feeling pretty good and I wore my short black sweater dress and boots.  Despite several attempts, I didn’t see him anywhere.  After lunch, I started feeling a bit blue, thinking about him and wishing he would pop his head into my office or something.  Just then, someone else did!  It wasn’t quite the male attention I was hoping for, but it did lift my spirits a bit just knowing someone else finds me fun or attractive.  I need to have more fun.  A little later that afternoon, as I walked out of my office, I saw Claudio standing there just outside Rosie’s office, doing something on his i-phone.  He glanced up at me with a big grin and smiling eyes and said ‘hey there’ as he sometimes does.  I had to wonder what on earth was going on?  Was he playing some game with Angelo or Enzo or something?  Maybe he told Angelo he was going to talk to me or something and was texting him.  I’m pretty sure they text each other because I’ve overheard things before.

That incident kind of made me feel a bit better, wondering if he was thinking of me and maybe too scared to come see me.   I thought to myself, I’ll see him tomorrow, I’m sure.

Thursday morning I woke up around 6am, so I decided to go to BH for breakfast and to read the paper.  I had told myself I would try tea but was tempted by the good Guatemalan they had instead.  On Wednesday I had drank half a cup of tea and half a cup of coffee, and I think maybe that’s partly why I was so sad by the end of the day, and craving coffee and sweets.  Of course if I’d seen Angelo, I’m sure I would’ve been feeling much better. 

I went in to work, feeling more balanced and confident than on Wednesday.  I had dressed up really nice and was sure I would see him somewhere, if only from afar.  Turns out, he wasn’t in.  I overheard part of a conversation between Enzo and the director.  She was asking him about someone, and he replied that he was home with his sick son.  “Gotta take care of the little ones”, he had said.  That made me wonder whether it was Claudio or Angelo he was referring to.  I know Claudio has a son, but he’s not exactly a “little one”, he’s in grade eleven.  I saw Claudio later, too, so I thought it must’ve been Angelo they were talking about.  That would mean that he has at least one kid, I thought.  I was somewhat crushed at the thought, although I can see him as a father, and it made me think he might be a good one, staying home with his son.  Maybe his wife can’t stay home as easily.  Or maybe he thought it would be a good way to avoid me!  I had to confirm my hypothesis.  At the end of the day, I went over to the other wing to check the board.  It was blank.  As I turned to leave, I noticed there was stuff on the big board outside Micheal’s office.  It said “Angelo—work from home” in big letters.  Confirmed, I thought, he is a father.  Things are definitely seeming harder.  I guess the only decent thing to do at this point is to try to let go of wanting him, maybe to avoid bumping into him and seeing him.  I think the more I see him, the more I want him.  I’m so drawn to him.

Anyway, I still had a pretty good day Thursday despite this development.  Nicole and I had fun discovering we were wearing the exact same colours, and then she asked Chantale to come take our picture, only to see that she too was wearing a plum top!  It was really quite funny.  We got someone else to take our pictures and she sent them to me.  I was in the mood to socialize so I ended up talking to Teresa and later Enzo in the lunchroom.  Teresa was admiring my jewelry again, so I told her about Mark and his accident.  I haven’t told too many people at work. 

Enzo is a bit strange.  He comes off as being serious, yet talks nonsense sometimes.  Typical Italian I guess.  Wants to talk and be engaging, even if he’s talking nonsense or lying.  I have to take them with a grain of salt.  I’m sure Angelo will be hearing about our conversation, if he hasn’t already.  I actually struck up the conversation myself.  I was feeling social and he was alone in the kitchen, with his coffee.  I noticed him checking me out and then he didn’t want to let me go, it seemed.  He asked how things were on my side now, with Claudio gone.  He said it must be a lot quieter.  I laughed and replied that it was too quiet and that it gets boring.  I think he liked that.  He was grinning.  I saw him with Claudio again later, but they were far away.  I wonder what they think of me now!  It’s become a bit of a game, I know, but maybe I was destined to become the flirtatious angel who really just wants to be in love more than anything else.  I filled the void with more impulsive shopping on the way home and was started craving cookies.  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and then lay awake in the middle of the night, tossing.  Maybe I’m depressed or distressed at the hopelessness of my romantic life.  I looked at Mark later that evening, lying on his bed, wishing he could satisfy me.  Of course at that point I was having sexual thoughts, and realized that his hip couldn’t handle it!   It’s not funny, of course.  It’s tragic, really, especially when I think of how the day it happened, we had almost made love for the first time in a long while.  He had tried to make love to me that morning, but I had thought maybe later, in the afternoon.  And that’s when the accident happened.  I almost feel like this is all meant to teach me something, but of course I don’t want to accept that because I’m a hopeless romantic who’s not in love with Mark.  I don’t know if romantic love is just attraction and lust, but I do know that I was drawn to Angelo in a subconscious way and I was never drawn to Mark that way.  In fact, Mark pursued me and I wasn’t at all interested in him at first.  I even found him annoying. 

I do want to try to lower my intake of caffeine and find my balance.  Even if it means I’m sadder.  Only then will I get my true needs met, I think.  When I put my true self out there, not some artifically happy self.  Even if it makes me feel happy, it also makes me more anxious, and I hate crashing later, as I often do.  I want to be more mellow, like Angelo.  I hope he’s doing okay and that his son is feeling better.

The week went by quickly since I was off on Wednesday and then we had our section Christmas lunch on Thursday.  I ended up sleeping nine hours on Wednesday night and felt really refreshed and energetic on Thursday morning.  The trouble is, I was also feeling anxious.  I was ready to face the day, though, and looking forward to seeing Angelo again.

The morning raced by too quickly, though, and I didn’t see him despite several side trips to the washroom, etc.  I didn’t see him until I returned from my noon-hour walk.  I was trying to open the door and had some trouble.  As I glanced to my side, I spotted him in the kitchen, talking to someone.  We didn’t make eye contact and I don’t know if he saw me, but his eyes were smiling in a confident and sincere way  I felt happy to see him happy, if only for a few moments, but I really wished he had seen me.  Maybe he did, and that’s why he seemed happy.  I had thought about going into the kitchen earlier, but didn’t.  Then he would’ve seen me for sure, and we could’ve made eye contact.  It really makes me feel good to look at him, even if I feel somewhat upset and disappointed that he didn’t come to talk to me after I left the note. 

Maybe he did, but I wasn’t in for the next two days, and then maybe that’s why he took the following two days off.  I don’t know.  It could just be that he was sick.

He could’ve talked to me on Tuesday when he saw me, but I guess he was either too cowardly, or wanted to wait for me to make the first move, simply making himself available for me by hovering nearby!  Maybe he wasn’t sure about my feelings about the situation and wanted to leave it to me.  I know he’s not the overconfident, bold type.  I like to think of it as a sign of his respect for my feelings that he acts that way.  And I like the fact that he’s not overconfident.  I hate arrogance.

After that ‘encounter’, I only saw him again as he was walking away from the lunchroom a little later.  Then I had to leave for the luncheon, and I was really sad to go, knowing I wouldn’t have another chance to see him until Tuesday.

The luncheon went okay, and I was starving by the time we got our food, but on the way home, I felt really sad and lonely.  I could do whatever I wanted with the extra hour I had, since I left Tunney’s at four, but all I really wanted was to be with Angelo, or at least see him again.  I’m afraid I’ve fallen for him badly. 

I settled on having a cappucino, after unsuccesful attempts at diverting myself through shopping.  It made me feel somewhat better, though not in the way I had hoped.  There’s no real substitute for the love I want and need, I’ve come to realize.  There are only temporary fixes. 

Midweek Malaise

I called in sick this morning.  I had been awake for a couple of hours during the night with a lot of digestive upset and I woke up tired and on-edge. 

Yesterday had been an eventful day.  I had woken up feeling pretty rested and positive.  Today was the day I was going to talk to Angelo, I thought.  I needed to clear the air and to set my mind at ease.

Coincidentally, I saw him several times.  I had gone to the washroom and then back to the kitchen where I had seen Enzo.  He was now talking to someone in the kitchen and I went in to fill up my water bottle.  As I was doing that, I sensed someone to my left.  I glanced over very briefly and noticed it was Angelo.  He was using the microwave or something.  I had to wonder whether Enzo had alerted him that I was around.  I swear those three communicate by text about everything that they find interesting or amusing.

He didn’t talk to me, and as I turned to leave, I looked at him but he was busy on his cellphone.  He didn’t even look at me.  I find it hard to believe he didn’t notice me there, but I suppose it is possible.  I think he was just too shy to say anything and was hoping I would, but I didn’t.  I walked out and just said hi to Enzo as we made eye contact. 

Part of me had wanted to talk to him of course, but not with Enzo there.  I didn’t want to take the chance of him hearing what I had to say to Angelo.  I’m still hoping Angelo had the decency not to share the fact that I left him a note with his friends.  Not that he could be sure at that point that it had been me, but I’m sure he had drawn that conclusion.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him and couldn’t get any work done.  Nicole was off with her sick daughter, but came in after lunch.  All I could think of was seeing Angelo again and talking to him, so I went for a few walks, hoping to bump into him.  I briefly considered going to his office, but didn’t have the nerve.

The funniest and strangest thing happened.  I went to Nicole Klein’s office to sign Melissa’s card, and Enzo and Angelo showed up close behind me!  I heard Enzo say he had forgotten to sign the card, but noticed that Angelo had signed it already.  Why was he with him?  Did they follow me there?  I’ll never know, but they did stand there and wait for me to finish.  I felt a bit uncomfortable but took my time and then handed it to Enzo, asking ‘Were you waiting for this?’ in a bit of a snarly way.  At that point I wasn’t sure whether to just walk past Angelo without looking at him, but of course I couldn’t do that.  Instead, I looked up into his gorgeous eyes and hesitated a moment before saying ‘hi’.  He replied, ‘hi, how are you?’ right away, and I said ‘good’.  I held his gaze for a few moments.  He looked so sincere and so honest and so confident.  I wanted to keep looking at him.  I think he might have felt the same, but of course I had to walk away.  Again, I couldn’t talk to him about the things I wanted to there in front of Enzo and Nicole.

I saw him a third time as I was leaving for my noon-hour walk.  As I got to the door, he was leaving the lunchroom.  I might have talked to him then except that at that moment Riley came up behind me and said ‘nice boots!’.  I was wearing my grey rain boots.  I had to reply to him and by then Angelo was further ahead of me and then he bumped into Chianello and started chatting with her while they walked ahead of me.  I could’ve caught up to them, but didn’t want to.  I wanted Angelo all to myself for what I had to say.  I felt I still had to clear the air, although our encounter in Admin had been good.  I felt as if they had read my mind about signing the card or something!  In any case, he had stayed there, more confident this time than earlier in the morning, perhaps because Enzo was by his side.  They had cornered me, as it were.  I was starting to feel like we were playing cat and mouse!

I’m sure they had gotten a good kick out of that encounter.  I’m afraid I’m just becoming amusement for Angelo and his friends.  I hope that’s not all there is to it.  I hope he really does have feelings for me even if he’s not sure he’s able to act on them.  I still don’t know if he has kids, and at this point I don’t want to know.  Unless the answer is no.

I have to be more patient, I guess, but that’s hard for me sometimes because I really crave love and affection and I want it from someone else, not Mark.   Mark and I had our first fight since the accident on Saturday morning.  I had gone out for breakfast alone and returned in a funk, craving affection.  When he came to offer me some, I pushed him away.  It was Angelo I really wanted. 

He seemed rather sad or hopeless at the thought of losing me but told me he continues to walk toward me rather than away from me and that he’s waiting for me to embrace him and us.  He knows I’m unsure of where I stand and is hoping I will choose to continue with us.  He told me he thought I said something the first time I saw him after the accident that suggested that it had made me realize how much I love him, but then acknowledged that he may have misinterpreted things.  When I asked him what it was that had made him think that, he couldn’t remember exactly.  That was a bit disappointing, as he seemed to remember so many other details in his blog, and I blurted that out later, making things worse.  I think I know what it was, but I wanted him to remember.  I think it’s when I returned alone to kiss him and tell him I love him just before leaving him that night.  I had meant if of course, only my love for him isn’t entirely romantic.  It’s more motherly or sisterly or something.  It’s hard for me to get that feeling back for him that I had a long time ago.  I’m a different person now, and it was never the kind of passionate yearning or feeling drawn to him that I’ve since experienced with others. 

I know I’m a fool for love and that men tend to be more practical.  But I really think that Angelo is a sensitive guy with a good heart and a strong need to feel loved and to give love, like me.  He might be getting bad advice and feedback from Enzo and Claudio, though.  Those two are a little confused and macho, I think.   Not the loving type.  

Anyway, I finally saw Angelo alone in the lunchroom just after 3pm.  I walked in and there he was, washing dishes or something, and I bravely said ‘hi Angelo’.   It was the first time I had addressed him by his name.   He turned to face me and replied ‘hi, how are you?’  He almost always asks me that.  A sign of respect, I think.  And that he’s a decent person.  I was feeling a bit nervous, but I went on to explain that I had stopped by his office one day.  I told him I had been working over in that wing because our computers wouldn’t print.  I don’t know whether he believed me, but it was partly true.  Anyway, I looked up at his face and his eyes were smiling as he asked, ‘ I wasn’t there?’.  I smiled back and said ‘no’ and that it had been late in the day.  I think he was trying to make a joke or something, or just wasn’t sure what to say about it.  He had acted somewhat surprised when I’d said I’d gone to his office.  Did he not see my note?  I doubt it, but maybe he was too uncomfortable to bring it up—that’s good, because so was I!  I feel somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing now, and sometimes I can’t believe I actually did that.  Love makes us bolder sometimes, I guess. And makes us do silly things.   But I don't think I'd do it again! 

I wasn’t sure what I was going to say next, but just then I turned to see Claudio had entered the room and had a big grin on his face!  Not again, I thought!  He must have sensed that I didn’t want him intruding on us because he asked ‘do you want me to leave?’  I didn’t know what to say, so I said ‘no’ and then a few moments later ‘I’m leaving now’.  I looked towards Angelo before leaving and he was looking away but I think he said ‘bye’, and I think I said ‘bye’ back.  I really didn’t want to leave him even if it had been awkward.  Maybe he felt the same way.

Last night I came home feeling somewhat relieved that I had gotten to clear the air.  The whole thing with Claudio was rather amusing really, and I even grinned as I replied to him.  I’m sure he had teased Angelo about it after I left.  I just hope Angelo hadn’t told him about my visit.  I need to save some face and also I don’t want his friends in on everything that goes on between us.  It’s all rather innocent, anyway, up to now.  But I know they like to read a lot into it.  It gets them going.

I felt touchy with Mark though, and had interpreted his comment about my outfit as an insult.  He usually compliments me on the way I look if he says anything at all.  But this time I felt he had been insensitive.  Anyway, it led to a fight and he went in to the den.  At dinner he barely said anything until he finally said that he feels I’ve decided he’s a certain way which isn’t the way he sees himself.  I think it’s just that he doesn’t want to see himself that way.  He wants to be what I want him to be, the mark of a good man in love, I think.  But the sad truth is I just want Angelo.  Of course now is not the time to tell him this.  It will have to wait until he recovers a bit more.

One thing I did realize about Mark again is that he fails to try to see things from a female perspective.  Maybe it’s because the only female in his family was his mother and she was trying to be a bit too much like a man, like so many women of her generation.  A lot of her feminine needs weren’t being met, I think.  I feel that Mark doesn’t fully respect me sometimes, that he has to feel in control and won’t admit that I might have a better perspective on certain things.  That troubles me.  I want to be with someone who feels equally human and even looks up to me for certain things.

Staple-removal day

It was a difficult week at work, although it started off well on Monday.  I had slept well and was feeling rested and energetic on Monday morning, so I went out to the roastery for breakfast, and then to the Glebe for some shopping.  To my surprise, it had snowed the night before and it was rather pretty outside.  We haven’t installed our snow tires yet though, so I had to be extra careful.

Mark was at home, meanwhile, doing his routine of exercises and giving himself the blood-thinning shot.  He gave himself the last one yesterday.  I really don’t know how he did it, two weeks of giving himself shots in the stomach!  I had given him a card on Sunday which I had thought was rather special, but I did feel a bit guilty abandoning him that morning.  He had seemed a bit vulnerable and disappointed that I was going out for breakfast, though he hadn’t said anything.

It wasn’t the first time I’d gone out for breakfast since the accident.  I do feel the need to get out and to be alone for awhile.  I was feeling a bit stir-crazy on Sunday.   Although we had gone out together on Saturday night to a Greek concert, we had only stayed a couple of hours, and Mark wasn’t up to going out again on Sunday for brunch as he had suggested on Friday.

Mark had gone to the university to give a lecture in the afternoon.  He had taken a taxi, and then another one to the Riverside for his first physiotherapy assessment.  They had called in the morning to ask him to come in.  I had sacrificed my afternoon yoga class to go pick him up, despite the fact that earlier in the day he had insisted I go to the class and let him take a taxi home.  I don’t know what happened, but I decided not to say anything about it later and kept the peace.  Besides, I was a bit worried about him taking taxis with the snow and everything, but I know it will be the reality for awhile. 

The physiotherapist told him he’s very flexible and doing well.  He goes back on Monday.  I’m happy for him, that he’s doing really well, although I’m feeling a bit run down at times.  I guess I’m doing a lot better than the first week though.  It’s mostly that I keep waking up too early lately.  I need more sleep.

On Tuesday I woke up a bit tired and I was anxious about how things would go with Angelo.  I had left him that little note on Thursday, and hadn’t been there the following two days.  He may have gone to my office only to find that I wasn’t in.  On the other hand, maybe he hadn’t.  Maybe he had waited to bump into me, or thought that maybe I would go back to his office to chat.

I guess I kind of expected that he might show up at my office on Tuesday at some point but the morning passed and he didn’t.  I hadn’t seen him either.  I finally saw him around 1:30 as I was walking towards the washroom.  He had his coat on and was walking down the hallway.  Apparently, he had gone out. 

He looked distressed or uncomfortable, I’m not sure which.  I was too far away to see his eyes, but there was something about his face.  I felt uncomfortable, and didn’t know what to do.  He was too far away for me to stop and chat, unless I stopped and waited for him to catch up, I thought.  As I wondered what to do, I saw him wave gently at me, so I waved back as I got to the bathroom door, and said hi even though he couldn’t hear me , and then opened the door into the bathroom. 

I thought I had made a huge mistake in leaving him that note.  Maybe it had made him uncomfortable, wondering what to do or expect.  Maybe I had given him a mixed message, implying that I didn’t want to be bugged weeks earlier, and now going to see him.  I had just wanted to chat because we haven’t chatted since then.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but maybe he's confused because he thinks I’m interested in him now but had felt I brushed him off earlier.  I’m not sure why I had said that that day.  I think it’s because Claudio had implied that something was going on between us and I didn’t want him to have that idea.  I wanted to act non-chalant about it, though in reality I had been thrilled that Angelo had finally gotten up the courage to come talk to me in my office!  In retrospect, I’ve regretted it many times.  Who cares what Claudio thinks?  I know he talks a lot, but I can’t let anything stand in the way of love.  I know it doesn’t happen that often in life.  Sure, there may be obstacles, but if we both feel the same way, we can find a way.

Angelo has never bugged me, of course.  He’s too shy for that, I think.  And too respectful, maybe.  He had blamed it on Nicole, and I know that’s what provoked the idea in my mind, too.  I wish I hadn’t allowed Claudio to intrude on our conversation that day.  It had been going well, and I was really interested in learning more about him and his family.  That’s one reason I wanted to chat with him again.   I’d like to tell him that he never finished telling me about his dad coming to Canada from Greece when he was twelve.  I feel like I want to know everything about him.  Unless there’s any really bad stuff, though.  I don’t think I want to know if he’s into porn or something that would disappoint me.  I don’t think I can handle disappointment right now.  I learned that this week.

I didn’t see him again all week.  I had felt tired again on Wednesday and hadn’t wanted to go in to work.  Nicole wasn’t in and I felt isolated and started to feel depressed.  I had gotten my period in the morning too, which meant I had a lot of cramps and wasn’t hungry.  Although I was anxious about it, I had wanted to see him again.  Part of me felt like I wanted to avoid the whole situation, though, because I had done something wrong.  I know he’s married, which is why it’s different than the first time I talked to him, when I thought he was single.  But there’s nothing wrong with chatting with someone even if you’re hopelessly attracted to them and they’re married is there?   Does that make me a temptress?  I don’t know.  He’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions.  That’s how I see it, though I don’t want to seem like I’m aggressively pursuing him or anything.  That’s not my style, even if a guy is single.

On Thursday I should have been feeling better because I had gotten a better sleep, but I had gone to Bridgehead for breakfast and found myself feeling like I didn’t want to go to work after that.  I went, thinking that Nicole wasn’t in again, but then she showed up at my office.  It was a good thing, she gave me a lift because I was feeling really down and wondering how I was going to make it through the day.  I still wasn’t hungry and had woken up with bad cramps again. 

I made an effort to talk to other people to maybe help lift me out of my depression, but it really didn’t help that much.  Deep down I just needed everything to be okay between me and Angelo.  But I didn’t see him anywhere.  Finally, sometime after lunch when I had been feeling a bit better after finally regaining my appetite, I went for a walk hoping to bump into him or at least see him. 

I didn’t see him, but saw Claudio and Enzo.  I didn’t say anything to them, I was too far away anyway.  On my way back to the office, Enzo was nearby and I heard him saying to someone that Angelo wasn’t in again today.  He was looking at me as he said that, but I think that was just a coincidence. 

Suddenly, a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I felt relieved and even happy.  The reason I hadn’t seen Angelo was not that he was so upset or whatever that he had stayed in his office, but that he was home sick or something!  I wondered whether his staying home two days in a row was a coincidence or was due to what happened?  I tend to think that it was no coincidence.  The only coincidence I think was that we both felt like staying home…

Okay, so what does this mean?  Does it mean that he felt bad about our brief encounter on Tuesday and was maybe expecting me to drop by his office again?  Did he feel bad because he didn’t have the courage to come talk to me?  I really don’t want him feeling like I expect anything from him.  Does he feel like I’m playing games with him or something—that would be the worse-case scenario.

I know I’m probably over-analyzing, but I did feel bad for him on Tuesday.  He seemed distressed, but then again, so was I.   I guess I shouldn’t have left him that note but what’s done is done.  It’s not like it said “I love you” or something.  There were no hearts or anything that silly or embarrassing.  And I definitely am not playing games with him, or it wouldn’t be causing me so much sadness and distress.  I was so sad on Wednesday and Thursday up until I learned that he hadn’t been in.  I just couldn’t muster the courage to go see him again on Tuesday, and to be honest, I was hoping he’d come see me.  Maybe he was feeling exactly the same way.  Maybe this meant that he cared!

In any case, I started to feel better on Thursday afternoon,  just in time to go to my dentist appointment.  Actually, it wasn’t so bad, just alot of scraping since I evidently had alot of tartar build-up. 

I was starving by the time I got home.  Thankfully, there were macarons waiting for me, as Cheryl had left some for us on the windowsill that morning.  Such a kind gesture, and just when I was craving sugar.  Mark had said we could share them.

I brought Mark to the hospital this morning and went for breakfast while I waited to hear back from him.  He got his staples removed, and they took x-rays and said everything looked fine.  He’s free to go back to work or do whatever he feels he can handle.  I’m really happy for him.  We stopped for a bite to eat on the way back, and at the library so he could get another French book to read.

Post-Valentine's Day

I had one of the most difficult Valentine's days ever, and I've had a couple of tough ones the past two years.  All to do with the fact that deep down, I don't want Mark to show his love for me because I don't love him romantically.  I want someone like D or now Yves, bad boys who know how to charm me.  Are they really that bad?  Don't know, but there is some evidence for it.  Yves and I got into an email chat about my marriage woes, but thankfully Mark came home and I had to end it.  He was being quite blunt with me.  I know he wants me to leave him, probably because he thinks we won't get together otherwise, and he wants to get together soon.  I really like him and would not hesitate so much if only he were a little older.  I just think it would end up a short-term thing with me getting really hurt and ending up alone and even older.  I don't know what would happen to Mark too.  He would be really hurt and he's never been hurt before.  He might end up hating me.  He believes he really loves me and he pulled out all the stops yesterday to prove it to me.  He bought me a dozen (red) roses, a card (which he gave me first thing in the morning), hearts, cooked me dinner (vanilla scallops), bought rosé wine, bought me truffles and tickets to go see Emilie Claire Barlow!  I was feeling so low and so guilty, I didn't know what to do.  I refrained from telling him he shouldn't be doing all this, and just tried to accept it graciously.  I think he realized though that something wasn't right.  I told him I was really down on myself, and I was.  But of course it was more than that.  It was Yves and D before that.  And the fact that I started to hate Mark and he started to resent me a few years back and although we've tried to get over that, our bond has been somehow compromised.  I was so emotional at work.  I had gotten a decent sleep and was looking forward to a good day, but I was expecting an email from Yves just wishing me a happy valentine's day or something, maybe saying how he wished we could be together.  But I got nothing.  It could be because of our conversation the previous day and so I finally sent him an email around 2pm saying how bad I felt that I had to cut him off.  He said he wasn't trying to sway me in either direction, but I know what he's hoping for, and he isn't as patient as he said he was!  He can be quite forward and almost pushy.  He said he's not sure about the whole valentine's thing but that he hoped I could hop on a train and join him.  I didn't reply, just left it at that.  I sure do miss him, though. 

Writer's Block: Tough Choices

If forced to give up one, which would you choose: love, friendship, or family?

"Know thyself"

Woke up at 6 feeling really hungry, weak, and irritable.  Did yoga yesterday and went to new moon gong to get centred.  Helpful, but I think I didn't eat enough yesterday.  Thought about some of the conversations I overheard at gong--young people who were having transformative experiences and it hit me that D didn't really seem to go through any transformation.  Sure, he seemed more determined, but equally able to give up quite easily.  I guess he needed more assurance from me, which I couldn't give him given everything that's happened between us.  Especially the fact that he didn't have the courage to try to honour my love for him.  He seems to think he can do what he wants and still be honouring my love.  It doesn't work that way.  I was caught in the crossfire of his divorce.  I don't feel he was a person I could trust anyway.  I may have insecurities and difficulty with trust at times, but he has shown me evidence of behaviour that would be really hard for anyone to fully trust him.  His obsession with sex and pornography, and his basic contempt and disrespect for women.  We may have been in love, but he would disappoint me alot I think.  And we would probably end up fighting a lot. 

I was hoping to see the French gentleman this morning, but alas, he has not showed up. Nor has the biker.  I know you can't make love happen.  It will happen when the time is right.  Right now I think maybe I have more work to do on myself and figuring out what it is I really want.  What's my purpose and what do I really need


Not to sound too superficial, but I think I will get my hair cut this week and get bangs again.