It was a difficult week at work, although it started off well on Monday. I had slept well and was feeling rested and energetic on Monday morning, so I went out to the roastery for breakfast, and then to the Glebe for some shopping. To my surprise, it had snowed the night before and it was rather pretty outside. We haven’t installed our snow tires yet though, so I had to be extra careful.
Mark was at home, meanwhile, doing his routine of exercises and giving himself the blood-thinning shot. He gave himself the last one yesterday. I really don’t know how he did it, two weeks of giving himself shots in the stomach! I had given him a card on Sunday which I had thought was rather special, but I did feel a bit guilty abandoning him that morning. He had seemed a bit vulnerable and disappointed that I was going out for breakfast, though he hadn’t said anything.
It wasn’t the first time I’d gone out for breakfast since the accident. I do feel the need to get out and to be alone for awhile. I was feeling a bit stir-crazy on Sunday. Although we had gone out together on Saturday night to a Greek concert, we had only stayed a couple of hours, and Mark wasn’t up to going out again on Sunday for brunch as he had suggested on Friday.
Mark had gone to the university to give a lecture in the afternoon. He had taken a taxi, and then another one to the Riverside for his first physiotherapy assessment. They had called in the morning to ask him to come in. I had sacrificed my afternoon yoga class to go pick him up, despite the fact that earlier in the day he had insisted I go to the class and let him take a taxi home. I don’t know what happened, but I decided not to say anything about it later and kept the peace. Besides, I was a bit worried about him taking taxis with the snow and everything, but I know it will be the reality for awhile.
The physiotherapist told him he’s very flexible and doing well. He goes back on Monday. I’m happy for him, that he’s doing really well, although I’m feeling a bit run down at times. I guess I’m doing a lot better than the first week though. It’s mostly that I keep waking up too early lately. I need more sleep.
On Tuesday I woke up a bit tired and I was anxious about how things would go with Angelo. I had left him that little note on Thursday, and hadn’t been there the following two days. He may have gone to my office only to find that I wasn’t in. On the other hand, maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he had waited to bump into me, or thought that maybe I would go back to his office to chat.
I guess I kind of expected that he might show up at my office on Tuesday at some point but the morning passed and he didn’t. I hadn’t seen him either. I finally saw him around 1:30 as I was walking towards the washroom. He had his coat on and was walking down the hallway. Apparently, he had gone out.
He looked distressed or uncomfortable, I’m not sure which. I was too far away to see his eyes, but there was something about his face. I felt uncomfortable, and didn’t know what to do. He was too far away for me to stop and chat, unless I stopped and waited for him to catch up, I thought. As I wondered what to do, I saw him wave gently at me, so I waved back as I got to the bathroom door, and said hi even though he couldn’t hear me , and then opened the door into the bathroom.
I thought I had made a huge mistake in leaving him that note. Maybe it had made him uncomfortable, wondering what to do or expect. Maybe I had given him a mixed message, implying that I didn’t want to be bugged weeks earlier, and now going to see him. I had just wanted to chat because we haven’t chatted since then. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but maybe he's confused because he thinks I’m interested in him now but had felt I brushed him off earlier. I’m not sure why I had said that that day. I think it’s because Claudio had implied that something was going on between us and I didn’t want him to have that idea. I wanted to act non-chalant about it, though in reality I had been thrilled that Angelo had finally gotten up the courage to come talk to me in my office! In retrospect, I’ve regretted it many times. Who cares what Claudio thinks? I know he talks a lot, but I can’t let anything stand in the way of love. I know it doesn’t happen that often in life. Sure, there may be obstacles, but if we both feel the same way, we can find a way.
Angelo has never bugged me, of course. He’s too shy for that, I think. And too respectful, maybe. He had blamed it on Nicole, and I know that’s what provoked the idea in my mind, too. I wish I hadn’t allowed Claudio to intrude on our conversation that day. It had been going well, and I was really interested in learning more about him and his family. That’s one reason I wanted to chat with him again. I’d like to tell him that he never finished telling me about his dad coming to Canada from Greece when he was twelve. I feel like I want to know everything about him. Unless there’s any really bad stuff, though. I don’t think I want to know if he’s into porn or something that would disappoint me. I don’t think I can handle disappointment right now. I learned that this week.
I didn’t see him again all week. I had felt tired again on Wednesday and hadn’t wanted to go in to work. Nicole wasn’t in and I felt isolated and started to feel depressed. I had gotten my period in the morning too, which meant I had a lot of cramps and wasn’t hungry. Although I was anxious about it, I had wanted to see him again. Part of me felt like I wanted to avoid the whole situation, though, because I had done something wrong. I know he’s married, which is why it’s different than the first time I talked to him, when I thought he was single. But there’s nothing wrong with chatting with someone even if you’re hopelessly attracted to them and they’re married is there? Does that make me a temptress? I don’t know. He’s a grown man, he can make his own decisions. That’s how I see it, though I don’t want to seem like I’m aggressively pursuing him or anything. That’s not my style, even if a guy is single.
On Thursday I should have been feeling better because I had gotten a better sleep, but I had gone to Bridgehead for breakfast and found myself feeling like I didn’t want to go to work after that. I went, thinking that Nicole wasn’t in again, but then she showed up at my office. It was a good thing, she gave me a lift because I was feeling really down and wondering how I was going to make it through the day. I still wasn’t hungry and had woken up with bad cramps again.
I made an effort to talk to other people to maybe help lift me out of my depression, but it really didn’t help that much. Deep down I just needed everything to be okay between me and Angelo. But I didn’t see him anywhere. Finally, sometime after lunch when I had been feeling a bit better after finally regaining my appetite, I went for a walk hoping to bump into him or at least see him.
I didn’t see him, but saw Claudio and Enzo. I didn’t say anything to them, I was too far away anyway. On my way back to the office, Enzo was nearby and I heard him saying to someone that Angelo wasn’t in again today. He was looking at me as he said that, but I think that was just a coincidence.
Suddenly, a weight was lifted from my shoulders and I felt relieved and even happy. The reason I hadn’t seen Angelo was not that he was so upset or whatever that he had stayed in his office, but that he was home sick or something! I wondered whether his staying home two days in a row was a coincidence or was due to what happened? I tend to think that it was no coincidence. The only coincidence I think was that we both felt like staying home…
Okay, so what does this mean? Does it mean that he felt bad about our brief encounter on Tuesday and was maybe expecting me to drop by his office again? Did he feel bad because he didn’t have the courage to come talk to me? I really don’t want him feeling like I expect anything from him. Does he feel like I’m playing games with him or something—that would be the worse-case scenario.
I know I’m probably over-analyzing, but I did feel bad for him on Tuesday. He seemed distressed, but then again, so was I. I guess I shouldn’t have left him that note but what’s done is done. It’s not like it said “I love you” or something. There were no hearts or anything that silly or embarrassing. And I definitely am not playing games with him, or it wouldn’t be causing me so much sadness and distress. I was so sad on Wednesday and Thursday up until I learned that he hadn’t been in. I just couldn’t muster the courage to go see him again on Tuesday, and to be honest, I was hoping he’d come see me. Maybe he was feeling exactly the same way. Maybe this meant that he cared!
In any case, I started to feel better on Thursday afternoon, just in time to go to my dentist appointment. Actually, it wasn’t so bad, just alot of scraping since I evidently had alot of tartar build-up.
I was starving by the time I got home. Thankfully, there were macarons waiting for me, as Cheryl had left some for us on the windowsill that morning. Such a kind gesture, and just when I was craving sugar. Mark had said we could share them.
I brought Mark to the hospital this morning and went for breakfast while I waited to hear back from him. He got his staples removed, and they took x-rays and said everything looked fine. He’s free to go back to work or do whatever he feels he can handle. I’m really happy for him. We stopped for a bite to eat on the way back, and at the library so he could get another French book to read.
- Current Location:BH-Bank & Grove
- Current Mood: determined