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Midweek Malaise

I called in sick this morning.  I had been awake for a couple of hours during the night with a lot of digestive upset and I woke up tired and on-edge. 

Yesterday had been an eventful day.  I had woken up feeling pretty rested and positive.  Today was the day I was going to talk to Angelo, I thought.  I needed to clear the air and to set my mind at ease.

Coincidentally, I saw him several times.  I had gone to the washroom and then back to the kitchen where I had seen Enzo.  He was now talking to someone in the kitchen and I went in to fill up my water bottle.  As I was doing that, I sensed someone to my left.  I glanced over very briefly and noticed it was Angelo.  He was using the microwave or something.  I had to wonder whether Enzo had alerted him that I was around.  I swear those three communicate by text about everything that they find interesting or amusing.

He didn’t talk to me, and as I turned to leave, I looked at him but he was busy on his cellphone.  He didn’t even look at me.  I find it hard to believe he didn’t notice me there, but I suppose it is possible.  I think he was just too shy to say anything and was hoping I would, but I didn’t.  I walked out and just said hi to Enzo as we made eye contact. 

Part of me had wanted to talk to him of course, but not with Enzo there.  I didn’t want to take the chance of him hearing what I had to say to Angelo.  I’m still hoping Angelo had the decency not to share the fact that I left him a note with his friends.  Not that he could be sure at that point that it had been me, but I’m sure he had drawn that conclusion.

I couldn’t stop thinking about him and couldn’t get any work done.  Nicole was off with her sick daughter, but came in after lunch.  All I could think of was seeing Angelo again and talking to him, so I went for a few walks, hoping to bump into him.  I briefly considered going to his office, but didn’t have the nerve.

The funniest and strangest thing happened.  I went to Nicole Klein’s office to sign Melissa’s card, and Enzo and Angelo showed up close behind me!  I heard Enzo say he had forgotten to sign the card, but noticed that Angelo had signed it already.  Why was he with him?  Did they follow me there?  I’ll never know, but they did stand there and wait for me to finish.  I felt a bit uncomfortable but took my time and then handed it to Enzo, asking ‘Were you waiting for this?’ in a bit of a snarly way.  At that point I wasn’t sure whether to just walk past Angelo without looking at him, but of course I couldn’t do that.  Instead, I looked up into his gorgeous eyes and hesitated a moment before saying ‘hi’.  He replied, ‘hi, how are you?’ right away, and I said ‘good’.  I held his gaze for a few moments.  He looked so sincere and so honest and so confident.  I wanted to keep looking at him.  I think he might have felt the same, but of course I had to walk away.  Again, I couldn’t talk to him about the things I wanted to there in front of Enzo and Nicole.

I saw him a third time as I was leaving for my noon-hour walk.  As I got to the door, he was leaving the lunchroom.  I might have talked to him then except that at that moment Riley came up behind me and said ‘nice boots!’.  I was wearing my grey rain boots.  I had to reply to him and by then Angelo was further ahead of me and then he bumped into Chianello and started chatting with her while they walked ahead of me.  I could’ve caught up to them, but didn’t want to.  I wanted Angelo all to myself for what I had to say.  I felt I still had to clear the air, although our encounter in Admin had been good.  I felt as if they had read my mind about signing the card or something!  In any case, he had stayed there, more confident this time than earlier in the morning, perhaps because Enzo was by his side.  They had cornered me, as it were.  I was starting to feel like we were playing cat and mouse!

I’m sure they had gotten a good kick out of that encounter.  I’m afraid I’m just becoming amusement for Angelo and his friends.  I hope that’s not all there is to it.  I hope he really does have feelings for me even if he’s not sure he’s able to act on them.  I still don’t know if he has kids, and at this point I don’t want to know.  Unless the answer is no.

I have to be more patient, I guess, but that’s hard for me sometimes because I really crave love and affection and I want it from someone else, not Mark.   Mark and I had our first fight since the accident on Saturday morning.  I had gone out for breakfast alone and returned in a funk, craving affection.  When he came to offer me some, I pushed him away.  It was Angelo I really wanted. 

He seemed rather sad or hopeless at the thought of losing me but told me he continues to walk toward me rather than away from me and that he’s waiting for me to embrace him and us.  He knows I’m unsure of where I stand and is hoping I will choose to continue with us.  He told me he thought I said something the first time I saw him after the accident that suggested that it had made me realize how much I love him, but then acknowledged that he may have misinterpreted things.  When I asked him what it was that had made him think that, he couldn’t remember exactly.  That was a bit disappointing, as he seemed to remember so many other details in his blog, and I blurted that out later, making things worse.  I think I know what it was, but I wanted him to remember.  I think it’s when I returned alone to kiss him and tell him I love him just before leaving him that night.  I had meant if of course, only my love for him isn’t entirely romantic.  It’s more motherly or sisterly or something.  It’s hard for me to get that feeling back for him that I had a long time ago.  I’m a different person now, and it was never the kind of passionate yearning or feeling drawn to him that I’ve since experienced with others. 

I know I’m a fool for love and that men tend to be more practical.  But I really think that Angelo is a sensitive guy with a good heart and a strong need to feel loved and to give love, like me.  He might be getting bad advice and feedback from Enzo and Claudio, though.  Those two are a little confused and macho, I think.   Not the loving type.  

Anyway, I finally saw Angelo alone in the lunchroom just after 3pm.  I walked in and there he was, washing dishes or something, and I bravely said ‘hi Angelo’.   It was the first time I had addressed him by his name.   He turned to face me and replied ‘hi, how are you?’  He almost always asks me that.  A sign of respect, I think.  And that he’s a decent person.  I was feeling a bit nervous, but I went on to explain that I had stopped by his office one day.  I told him I had been working over in that wing because our computers wouldn’t print.  I don’t know whether he believed me, but it was partly true.  Anyway, I looked up at his face and his eyes were smiling as he asked, ‘ I wasn’t there?’.  I smiled back and said ‘no’ and that it had been late in the day.  I think he was trying to make a joke or something, or just wasn’t sure what to say about it.  He had acted somewhat surprised when I’d said I’d gone to his office.  Did he not see my note?  I doubt it, but maybe he was too uncomfortable to bring it up—that’s good, because so was I!  I feel somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing now, and sometimes I can’t believe I actually did that.  Love makes us bolder sometimes, I guess. And makes us do silly things.   But I don't think I'd do it again! 

I wasn’t sure what I was going to say next, but just then I turned to see Claudio had entered the room and had a big grin on his face!  Not again, I thought!  He must have sensed that I didn’t want him intruding on us because he asked ‘do you want me to leave?’  I didn’t know what to say, so I said ‘no’ and then a few moments later ‘I’m leaving now’.  I looked towards Angelo before leaving and he was looking away but I think he said ‘bye’, and I think I said ‘bye’ back.  I really didn’t want to leave him even if it had been awkward.  Maybe he felt the same way.

Last night I came home feeling somewhat relieved that I had gotten to clear the air.  The whole thing with Claudio was rather amusing really, and I even grinned as I replied to him.  I’m sure he had teased Angelo about it after I left.  I just hope Angelo hadn’t told him about my visit.  I need to save some face and also I don’t want his friends in on everything that goes on between us.  It’s all rather innocent, anyway, up to now.  But I know they like to read a lot into it.  It gets them going.

I felt touchy with Mark though, and had interpreted his comment about my outfit as an insult.  He usually compliments me on the way I look if he says anything at all.  But this time I felt he had been insensitive.  Anyway, it led to a fight and he went in to the den.  At dinner he barely said anything until he finally said that he feels I’ve decided he’s a certain way which isn’t the way he sees himself.  I think it’s just that he doesn’t want to see himself that way.  He wants to be what I want him to be, the mark of a good man in love, I think.  But the sad truth is I just want Angelo.  Of course now is not the time to tell him this.  It will have to wait until he recovers a bit more.

One thing I did realize about Mark again is that he fails to try to see things from a female perspective.  Maybe it’s because the only female in his family was his mother and she was trying to be a bit too much like a man, like so many women of her generation.  A lot of her feminine needs weren’t being met, I think.  I feel that Mark doesn’t fully respect me sometimes, that he has to feel in control and won’t admit that I might have a better perspective on certain things.  That troubles me.  I want to be with someone who feels equally human and even looks up to me for certain things.

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