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Blue Friday

I was looking forward to this week and maybe talking to Angelo again, but alas, I didn’t even see him once all week.  Tuesday was the divisional Christmas party at Prime 360, but I didn’t go.  I know he was there because I saw the pictures Nicole posted the following morning.  Unfortunately, there were no good pictures of his beautiful face.   I did notice he was sitting next to the director. 

I actually tried to avoid walking around on Tuesday, because I didn’t want him to see that I was in but didn’t go to the party.  I wasn’t the only one though.  A few people in our section called in sick, too.

I was hopeful I would see him on Wednesday.  I was feeling pretty good and I wore my short black sweater dress and boots.  Despite several attempts, I didn’t see him anywhere.  After lunch, I started feeling a bit blue, thinking about him and wishing he would pop his head into my office or something.  Just then, someone else did!  It wasn’t quite the male attention I was hoping for, but it did lift my spirits a bit just knowing someone else finds me fun or attractive.  I need to have more fun.  A little later that afternoon, as I walked out of my office, I saw Claudio standing there just outside Rosie’s office, doing something on his i-phone.  He glanced up at me with a big grin and smiling eyes and said ‘hey there’ as he sometimes does.  I had to wonder what on earth was going on?  Was he playing some game with Angelo or Enzo or something?  Maybe he told Angelo he was going to talk to me or something and was texting him.  I’m pretty sure they text each other because I’ve overheard things before.

That incident kind of made me feel a bit better, wondering if he was thinking of me and maybe too scared to come see me.   I thought to myself, I’ll see him tomorrow, I’m sure.

Thursday morning I woke up around 6am, so I decided to go to BH for breakfast and to read the paper.  I had told myself I would try tea but was tempted by the good Guatemalan they had instead.  On Wednesday I had drank half a cup of tea and half a cup of coffee, and I think maybe that’s partly why I was so sad by the end of the day, and craving coffee and sweets.  Of course if I’d seen Angelo, I’m sure I would’ve been feeling much better. 

I went in to work, feeling more balanced and confident than on Wednesday.  I had dressed up really nice and was sure I would see him somewhere, if only from afar.  Turns out, he wasn’t in.  I overheard part of a conversation between Enzo and the director.  She was asking him about someone, and he replied that he was home with his sick son.  “Gotta take care of the little ones”, he had said.  That made me wonder whether it was Claudio or Angelo he was referring to.  I know Claudio has a son, but he’s not exactly a “little one”, he’s in grade eleven.  I saw Claudio later, too, so I thought it must’ve been Angelo they were talking about.  That would mean that he has at least one kid, I thought.  I was somewhat crushed at the thought, although I can see him as a father, and it made me think he might be a good one, staying home with his son.  Maybe his wife can’t stay home as easily.  Or maybe he thought it would be a good way to avoid me!  I had to confirm my hypothesis.  At the end of the day, I went over to the other wing to check the board.  It was blank.  As I turned to leave, I noticed there was stuff on the big board outside Micheal’s office.  It said “Angelo—work from home” in big letters.  Confirmed, I thought, he is a father.  Things are definitely seeming harder.  I guess the only decent thing to do at this point is to try to let go of wanting him, maybe to avoid bumping into him and seeing him.  I think the more I see him, the more I want him.  I’m so drawn to him.

Anyway, I still had a pretty good day Thursday despite this development.  Nicole and I had fun discovering we were wearing the exact same colours, and then she asked Chantale to come take our picture, only to see that she too was wearing a plum top!  It was really quite funny.  We got someone else to take our pictures and she sent them to me.  I was in the mood to socialize so I ended up talking to Teresa and later Enzo in the lunchroom.  Teresa was admiring my jewelry again, so I told her about Mark and his accident.  I haven’t told too many people at work. 

Enzo is a bit strange.  He comes off as being serious, yet talks nonsense sometimes.  Typical Italian I guess.  Wants to talk and be engaging, even if he’s talking nonsense or lying.  I have to take them with a grain of salt.  I’m sure Angelo will be hearing about our conversation, if he hasn’t already.  I actually struck up the conversation myself.  I was feeling social and he was alone in the kitchen, with his coffee.  I noticed him checking me out and then he didn’t want to let me go, it seemed.  He asked how things were on my side now, with Claudio gone.  He said it must be a lot quieter.  I laughed and replied that it was too quiet and that it gets boring.  I think he liked that.  He was grinning.  I saw him with Claudio again later, but they were far away.  I wonder what they think of me now!  It’s become a bit of a game, I know, but maybe I was destined to become the flirtatious angel who really just wants to be in love more than anything else.  I filled the void with more impulsive shopping on the way home and was started craving cookies.  I had a hard time falling asleep last night, and then lay awake in the middle of the night, tossing.  Maybe I’m depressed or distressed at the hopelessness of my romantic life.  I looked at Mark later that evening, lying on his bed, wishing he could satisfy me.  Of course at that point I was having sexual thoughts, and realized that his hip couldn’t handle it!   It’s not funny, of course.  It’s tragic, really, especially when I think of how the day it happened, we had almost made love for the first time in a long while.  He had tried to make love to me that morning, but I had thought maybe later, in the afternoon.  And that’s when the accident happened.  I almost feel like this is all meant to teach me something, but of course I don’t want to accept that because I’m a hopeless romantic who’s not in love with Mark.  I don’t know if romantic love is just attraction and lust, but I do know that I was drawn to Angelo in a subconscious way and I was never drawn to Mark that way.  In fact, Mark pursued me and I wasn’t at all interested in him at first.  I even found him annoying. 

I do want to try to lower my intake of caffeine and find my balance.  Even if it means I’m sadder.  Only then will I get my true needs met, I think.  When I put my true self out there, not some artifically happy self.  Even if it makes me feel happy, it also makes me more anxious, and I hate crashing later, as I often do.  I want to be more mellow, like Angelo.  I hope he’s doing okay and that his son is feeling better.

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