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Winter Solstice

It was a difficult week emotionally.  I was feeling hopeful again on Monday, thinking I had a good chance of seeing Angelo this week.  I had baked shortbread on Sunday and was starting to get into the Christmas spirit since Saturday when I had gone to the Glebe on my own to do a little shopping and have lunch. 

I woke up really groggy on Tuesday morning, having slept straight until 7:20 when Mark woke me up from a dream.  I remained so groggy all day that I accomplished virtually nothing at work.  It didn’t help that Nicole was sick.   I didn’t want to be there at all, and I didn’t end up seeing Angelo anywhere. I thought I heard some heavy footsteps walk by my office and imagined it was him boldly walking by, trying to find the courage to stop by my office, but it probably was just my imagination and wishful thinking.   I ended up feeling frustrated and being upset when I finally got home.  I had seen Enzo in the afternoon, and he had held the door open for me and we chatted briefly.

On Wednesday morning I woke up early but rested and hungry.  I decided to go to BH and to take the day off.  I needed some time to myself to do some errands and not have to sit at my desk, waiting for someone to make me feel wanted and needed.  Deep down, I had hoped that Angelo would come by my office, and when he didn’t again, I felt rejected.  I know I shouldn’t have any expectations, and I tried to convince myself on Monday that I didn’t, but it was obvious to me that I did.

I drove Mark in to work so he wouldn’t miss his Christmas potluck and meetings.  I did some errands with the car and then made Christmas granola.  Mark will enjoy that and I enjoyed making it.

I was glad that I had taken the day for myself, though felt a little guilty missing a meeting.  Regardless, I looked forward to going back in Thursday.  I had woken up feeling unusually tired on Thursday.  My legs were so tired I didn’t understand it. 

Nicole came in late and stopped by my desk.  It was Chianello’s last day of work and we chatted a bit.  I thought I saw Angelo walk by down the aisle, and then returning.  I had been on the phone with my dad, but felt him glance towards me.  He had probably gone to see Chianello.  I stopped by her office a little later, and started chatting with her.  We were laughing and she seemed to be enjoying my visit, when I heard her say ‘Hi Angelo.  Dropping by to say goodbye?’

I turned to see Angelo, standing there a little blank and surprised looking, not knowing what to say.  I looked at him feeling like I really didn’t want to talk to him, and he said “Hi Voula, how are you?”  before he even said anything to Chianello.  I just replied “good” and found myself walking away.  I heard Chianello say “see you later, Voula” and I’m not sure I replied.  A little later I saw him walk by talking to someone else while I was in Nicole’s office.

I saw him again as I was leaving for my noon-hour walk.  Apparently, he was going for a walk too.  I didn’t know what to do, continue walking and bump into him, or make a beeline for the nearest door.  I chose the latter.  I guess I’m just as scared as he is.  But it’s a little more, too.  I feel a bit rejected by him.  He never acknowledged my note and hasn’t tried to visit me.  I shouldn’t say he hasn’t tried because I don’t really know.  I only know that he hasn’t succeeded.  I must rid myself of these feelings of hurt.  I know he’s shy and shouldn’t take it personally.  If anything, I genuinely believe he likes me but is so shy about talking to me.  I shouldn’t hold it against him that he hasn’t had the luck or courage to talk to me. 

I think I was more afraid about what to say to him.  Thinking about it later, I realized that we would probably end up talking about Christmas and our plans.  I would have to tell him about Mark and my situation.  I had thought about it on the weekend and concluded I would tell him I was in the middle of a breakup when Mark broke his hip, so I’m still with him, taking care of him.  I would also tell him that Christmas was not such a big deal for me since I don’t have any kids.  Might as well get these things out in the open,  I hoped he would tell me how many kids he has and whatever else he felt like sharing with me.

I know it would be a bit of a difficult conversation, but it could help us bond or something.  I should have kept walking towards him, and seen if he wanted to talk.  Maybe we would’ve gone for a walk outside together.  Talking to someone while walking is easier sometimes.  But maybe he would’ve chickened out and made a beeline for the door, then I would’ve felt rejected.  I hope he doesn’t feel too rejected by my actions.  Maybe he thinks I didn’t see him.  Or maybe he didn’t see me, but I think he did because he had a look on his face like the first time I saw him after leaving the note.  He looked distressed, and unsure what to do.

I should’ve made it easier for him, I guess.  Maybe waved at him and pretended to be really happy to see him.   But I’m not always that good at pretending.  And that’s a good thing.  Being yourself is way more rewarding.

I don’t know what might have been going on in his head, but I think he mirrors my feelings.  That’s a sign that there’s a connection between us, I think.  I felt sad while out on my walk, hoping I would bump into him.  I needed to connect with him in a more positive way.

I returned in time to go to a meeting at 1pm.  While sitting there, I saw him return from his walk, and saw him look into the room.  I’m sure he saw me though I didn’t make eye contact with him.  I know it sounds like I was giving him the cold shoulder, and I guess I was!  But I was just being true to my feelings.  I don’t want to play games with him, I just genuinely need some sign from him that he really cares. 

He walked by a little later and looked in again.  I felt his gaze, though I’m not sure if he was looking at me.  Then again as he went back to his office a few minutes later, he looked in really intensely.  I felt he was looking at me, but I was too shy to look up at him.  Later I wished I had.

Sometime after the meeting, I bumped into Chianello and she told me she had "gotten flack" about pronouncing my name wrong earlier.  I told her I hadn't noticed, and asked who, wanting her to tell me more.  She said it was from Angelo, and that he had gone on about everything Greece!  I was on cloud nine, thinking he cares about me and all things Greek!

Just before 3:30, I was sitting at my desk feeling dejected over the thought that I probably wouldn’t see him again that day and not until after New Year's, since it was my last day at work.  Just then, as if he read my mind, I saw him walk by and hesitate outside my office or France’s office.  Then he walked by and returned, hesitating outside my office.  I felt his gaze as I was standing there facing the other way.  I had seen him from the corner of my eye.  I should’ve looked back and invited him to talk, I guess.  But I thought he had wanted to talk to France.  I’m really not making it easy for him!  I felt I did by leaving him the note, but that kind of scared him off more, I think. 

I don’t know if he had really wanted to see me, but lost his courage.  I can definitely understand that, as I’ve felt the same when I’ve gone to his office.

I have to believe that we will connect when the time is right and we’re both feeling more confident.  I do believe that he wants to connect with me, and that he gets distressed when we have a bad connection.



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