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'Tis the season to be stressed out...

Woke up too early this morning, just after 5am.  Tried to fall back asleep but started worrying about all the things I need to do before Christmas.  I eventually dozed off for about half an hour, and finally dragged myself out of bed around 7:30.  I was feeling a bit irritable and not rested enough, but I went to Bridgehead anyway.  I got my hair cut yesterday and cut my bangs too.  I think I look like Uma Thurman.  Not sure if Mark really likes it.  My hairdresser said she liked it and she is pretty sincere.  I felt confident with my new style, walking into Bridgehead.  I feel like people noticed me more, but unfortunately, the French gentleman didn't show up.  I was there for a couple of hours.  There's too much noise at home anyway, from the contractors.  Also, I didn't feel like going to yin yoga.  I think my foot is healing nicely now, but one more week of abstinence from yoga classes won't hurt.  I've started doing more yoga at home, where I can control what I do more.  I've been avoiding sun salutations and a few other poses.  Thought too much about D today--it must be my irritable mood.  Trouble focussing today too.  I've been reading some articles about casual sex lately and I've come to realize that his obsession with sex and pornography is no minor thing.  I need emotional connection and attachment and affection, not just sex.  Is it not possible to have all these things in one relationship?  Maybe the sex part changes over time and is not as intense, but that's a normal part of the evolution of relationships.   Maybe we also have to work at staying interested, attractive, and attracted to our partner.  In my opinion, the other things are more important.  Do  I have these things with Mark?  He seems to be a little warmer lately.  I know I have a good friendship with him and an attachment due to our shared history.  This gives me alot of comfort.  We're trying to plan a trip over Christmas.  He wanted to go away and looked into some things and told me one day at dinner.  Then he asked me where I'd like to go.  I told him New York would probably be really special at Christmas, then regretted it.  D had wanted to take me there.  Mark started looking into it, but then seemed to get stressed about the cost.  He was still willing to do it, though.  It seems he wants to please me.  I started to get really interested in going, but then told him maybe next year would be better.  Then I suggested we go to Mont St, Anne and stay in a log cabin over New Year's.  He tried to reserve but they're all booked.  I don't know what we'll do now.

Cold, Sunny Monday

Slept for about 9 hours straight.  Felt good, but I think I missed my chance to see the French gentleman, assuming he went to Bridgehead this morning.  Really wanted to see him again.  Mark and I patched things up on Friday after I told him I was hurt by his reaction the night before.  He said I wasn't attracted to him and didn't love him.  I asked him why he thought I didn't love him and he said it was because I told him in the past.  I told him I remember blurting out that I hate him on a few occasions in the past when I felt hurt, but had never said I don't love him.  The problem is I don't love him romantically.  He's not a take charge type, he's not very ambitious or successful, and he's not very physically or emotionally attractive to me.  I didn't tell him these things of course, because I don't want to hurt him.  The problem is I've become comfortable in this marriage and am afraid to risk losing everything.  I don't feel that this is the right thing to do though.  I think I have to decide whether I'm going to be content with this comfortable marriage where I know he loves me in his way but I only love him as a friend or whether I need to be on my own again so I can find someone else.  I don't think he's capable of loving me as deeply as I want and deserve to be loved.  Maybe that only comes with suffering and loss, but we had that and he still didn't seem to be as devastated by it as me.  I want to be in love with someone emotionally, physically, and intellectually.  Is this too much to ask?  'Seek and you shall find'?



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